Picture: Two images being presented simultaneously. One a bit blurred and one a bit clearer. I see this as a metaphor for this post and my life. My vision is becoming clearer as I progress along this sacred path of observation and reflection.
What I have learned over these 3 years of balderdash, love that word and have never used it in my life but it just seems appropriate, is that if you give in to the shaming and guilting then you can be perceived as an “accepted member of society.” What I have also learned is that I have never really been an accepted member of the society I was born into. What I am is a member of a society that I mostly or reluctantly fit myself into. I was going to say tolerated but I actually like the word indulged. I yielded to the ignorance of employers, religions, certain friends so I could somewhat “fit in” to stay connected. I didn’t relinquish my power or autonomy or so I think or thought. I experienced myself as allowing for whatever they did because I understood that what they chose to be or do was/is “none of my business.” This included the many times they lacked the personal responsibility for their choices and decided to make their discomfort and behaviors about me.
What I have learned in these 3 years is a liberation that I never knew before. I learned that it was easier for others to use me as their scapegoat because of their lack of self responsibility, also known as self reflection, for their own fears and insecurities.
I had lived on the fray of the rules and did what was acceptable to fit in. Can you relate? Living my daily life my way and allowing for whatever anyone else did or said because I saw that as their life and their choices. I really did see their lives as none of my business. Until of course my life and choices became everyone else’s business.
But everything changed almost 3 years ago. I no longer live on the fray or edges of this madness. I was thrust into the chaos because of others choices, guilt, shame and obedience to something outside of themselves.
Disinformation kills! Anti-Vaxer! Fact checkers! Grandma killer! It’s even hard for me to write those absurd words but yet here I am at the beginning of another year of deep exploration into myself!
I have spent decades learning about myself and these years have been a major dive into parts of myself that I didn’t know existed. Wondering if any of you have been feeling this way too? I’ve come up against my own cognitive dissonance and as with this type of blindness it’s quite “shocking” when other realities are revealed. Things that I couldn’t believe were right there in front of me. I literally was able to feel myself be in resistance to the fact that lies, deceit, evil were right there showing me its unpleasant self. What I did get was how hard it is to stay the course of my own knowing while things around me were and still are collapsing. Nevertheless, I continue to show up for myself even though the challenges continue to present themselves and I am experiencing myself being stronger in my life because of this.
Lately I notice that I write in a somewhat obscure way. I have come to realize that for right now it’s the best way for me to continue unraveling my own process. My writing helps me to clarify my thoughts and affords me the opportunity to express my individuality in this world of stigmatization, separation and exclusion.
So how are each of you fairing as we begin a new calendar year? Reflecting? Collapsing? Allowing? Are you at all curious about what you’ve lived? Are you thinking about your life and how you might have given in to what was easier than to take a stand for your own sovereignty? Or possibly you are one of the silent ones watching and knowing that the tides are changing and you will meet and join with those of like minds? Are you happy and satisfied with how you showed up in your life these past 3 years? There are no wrong answers to your life. These are inquires that I hope will inspire you to go deeper into yourself.
There’s always something to think about! Always something to explore! In an examined life there are innumerable ways to unravel our humanness which is the vehicle that helps and hopefully encourages us to continually grow and expand our awareness to ourselves and the world around us.
It is always a positive exercise for people to occasionally review their life choices as that is the only way they can evaluate how well the outcomes worked for them.
A note for all of us, please know that whatever decisions that were made whether good or bad, were a result of a compilation of all of the information that was available. So, you can feel safe in that you most likely picked the best choice at the time.