Picture: A sunset picture taken 5 years ago in Mexico. When I took it I saw it as a cross which felt representative of a crucifixion. Quite dramatic in its view with the tower in the background. However, I knew it was actually a broken pole holding cable wires. Illusions abound!
The habitual dishonesty takes its toll! I wake up some days feeling defiant and annoyed about all the programming that I now know I have been living with. And then I also, at times, feel the great joy and freedom that goes along with this new understanding of myself.
At times I notice that I start feeling what might be considered unsafe in my life and surroundings. And then I also know that safety is an experience within myself and no person or thing can make me safe. This information calms my nervous system and soothe me while at times I might still be surrounded in chaos.
The “prescribed program” states that we must “always be on our toes,” so to speak, because we are unsure of what “disaster” is going to come next?
The programmed response is set to FEAR!
UFO’s, climate crisis, gender identity, wild fires and wild incurable diseases that are going to take each of us by surprise and wipe us out in horrible ways. Do we really believe any of this? If you check into yourself, go ahead, check into those deeper parts of your psyche and see if you find any of this laughable? Or just plain outrageous? Or are you deeply immobilized by any or all of these things? Or maybe you are so freaking scared that it’s too disturbing to think that “they” are not telling you/us the truth about anything? Is it actually easier to believe the unbelievable because it feels uncomplicated? These are hard times and we have the opportunity to uncover our individual truths and allow ourselves to bring forth some difficult questions that can no longer stay in the shadows.
Are you really afraid of some perceived alien out there? Do you not think that these things in charge are not alien beings with only their own agendas on their minds and figuring out other ways to stuff their bank accounts? Maybe you think what I am writing is bullshit and that’s perfectly OK. I am not looking to convince you of anything. As I've written before I write to clear my own head of all the thoughts, judgements and projections that float around inside of me. When I write I hear myself and can find some stability in my thinking and thus I can live a more balanced and grounded life. My writing leads me out of the darkness of my own minds distorted drama.
I actually don’t know what to believe anymore so the only truth I have to go on is the way I feel. And that is all each of us ever really has to depend on. However, most don’t know their ass from their elbows literally and figuratively because you’ve gone so far outside of your body that you don’t even know that your existence is important and necessary to the whole of humankind. That’s why I continue to teach and mentor people to Come Home to your body any way you can.
Does that last paragraph seem too harsh? I deleted it a few times because I judged myself for my thoughts. But then I thought, fuck it, this is the shadow part of my psyche for anyone desiring to read my words and hear my truth as it is in this moment.
Do I always feel this way? Absolutely not! But sometimes like all of us I have harsh thoughts and words about myself and others. And I say… So What!
As a young girl growing up and forced to live by the religious dictates of Catholicism, those thoughts would have been deemed a sin and I would have been shamed into confessing them as impure and unloving thoughts. And here I am many decades later feeling into the harm incurred by stifling the shadow parts of my own mind and now reflecting on how much my souls journey was strengthened because of my continued curiosity around all things. Being told to ignore and shut down and shamed was my motivating factor to say NO. I then rebelled against all authority and learned through a lot of trial and errors that I am the only one that can decide what is best for me.
Also, just to clarify, I know my phrasing of words and sentencing at times may not correlate with the way we have been taught to speak or write but this is the way I function best. Occasionally I also like to make up words.
Back to the ridiculousness of the business of religion. I believe in a higher source that guides and directs me daily. However, when I was forced into something that just didn’t feel right in my belly (gut feeling) I pushed against it with everything I had. That really didn’t win me good grades in school or awards but I felt happy with my knowing that I KNEW something inside of me that no one outside of me could take away unless I consented to it.
This strength taught me to question everything and also understand that we all have dark thoughts that must be expressed. The hardship is that indoctrination into religions, ideologies, government rules, corporations, etc, are meant to be followed and obeyed. Which leaves most of us frustrated and chained to other peoples, governments and religions dictates. So where does all that dark matter inside each of us go?
Did you learn to let it out in an appropriate way? I know I didn’t! It took me years to cultivate a practice of functional behavior around my frustrations, angers and also joy and silliness.
Here is the rub to all of this. What does appropriate look and sound like? For me, it’s writing my inner thoughts and allowing for them to wash over me and bring them forward with a sprinkle of humor. I live in transparency and allow for these shadowy parts of myself to be seen because keeping them in the dark will cause them to fester and get moldy. A metaphor for, if we don’t bring our truths forward then there is a price to pay. That can look like resentments in relationships to ourselves and to others, weight gain, weight loss, overworking, over consumptions of anything, etc. Then to go further those repressed and unexpressed words travel throughout the system to create internal discomforts which manifest in labeling them as diseases.
The most important lesson in life (in my view) is to learn that you and only YOU are the overseer of your body, mind, emotions and spiritual life. NO ONE ELSE will ever know you better than you know yourself. And that will take some work on your part because you will have to stop relying on others to tell you what is happening inside your body.
I am not saying don’t reach for support from others. I am saying don’t use the others as your life line to your well being. That must come from you. The time is NOW!
“One can choose to go back toward safety or forward toward growth. Growth must be chosen again and again; fear must be overcome again and again.”
~Abraham Maslow
