Monogamy ~ the practice or state of having one partner. Give me a break! If we allow for some honest reflection then we can truthfully traverse the path of becoming real inside ourselves and understand that most people have eyes, feelings, desires, fantasies about others. Why not just come to terms with this reality instead of sinking into the possible repression, suppression and confinement that might go along with having a single partner for your entire life.
Oh no! Have I crossed a line? Are you freaking out? Are you laughing? Are you scared? Are you angry? Are you agreeing?
I see monogamy as a similar experience as forced inoculations. The operative word here is forced. And I am NOT saying that being in a monogamous relationship isn’t a beautiful experience if this is what you choose. Just like our current world health experience, choice is required! But again the operative words are choice and choose.
I thought I chose monogamy when I was 22 years old. I married my high school boyfriend after he returned from the war or was it a “conflict” in Vietnam? We were married for 2 years when one day I realized I felt confined and imprisoned by my circumstances. I lived with my parents until I got married and then one day I felt as if I couldn’t breath. Literally, I was like a trapped animal inside a cage that I chose. I came to the awareness that the life decision of marriage was actually me conforming to a societal norm. So my quest began to learn about what my true choices were and off I went, the scorned woman who was really just a young “girl/woman” trying to figure out her life.
I was working for American Airlines at the time and had so many incredible opportunities to travel the world and meet interesting people, discovering countless things about myself and others. I learned about various cultures, food, environments, religions, spirituality, sexuality and I cultivated a curiosity for life and adventure.
I kept asking myself, why am I supposed to be with one person? I was aware of men, married or not, in that time and generation “fooling around” and they were considered studs. And women were “loose, whores, low moral standards?” The story line was men were more prone to cheat and women were in my eyes indentured servants to a system that just felt oppressive and deadening to my soul.
The questions of sexual freedom and monogamy boggled my mind and my spiritual understanding of myself. It actually took me 25 years to unravel and redefine my distinct process of relating and then it took another 4 years to ease into an individuated acceptance of myself in the way I wanted to be in partnerships.
I said “ease into” and by no means was this an easy path to come to terms with. Easing into this meant allowing for all parts of myself to rise up and be seen and heard while learning to hold myself steady during this exploration. I undertook this because of the the cultural, religious and societal repression I felt. I saw it then and still experience these ideologies as a patriarchal and puritanical confinement around women and our sexual desires, eroticism and sensuality which ultimately relates to our autonomy and our power.
Living a life of consensual non-monogamy is not for the feint of heart. There’s also another term that I love, monogamish. This term is used by some to describe couples that choose each other along with, at various times, experiencing others for any length of time.
The process of becoming something that my childhood religion and heritage said was a sin, taboo, disgraceful, unacceptable, disgusting was a long and arduous endeavor overflowing with judgments, confusion and ultimately a freedom that I never thought could be possible. Those judgmental words about a lifestyle is what I came up against, within myself and from others, on the bumpy and at times isolating road to self love.
At this point in my life I can say I live my life, my way! Unconventional, life affirming, challenging, always expanding in its concepts of what is allowed within the scope of my own desires and decisions. And I have found that all things are possible when transparency is a lived experience.
This type of relatingship (my word) requires deep and at times difficult, uncomfortable and also richly connecting conversations that require huge amounts of courage and straightforwardness. If these values are not present then you have what most people call or what’s referred to as “cheating, lies, deception and being unfaithful.”
I am not referring to salacious escapades. I am talking about a possible day to day life with a variety of partners and the learned ability to communicate with your partner or partners what life looks like for each of you. There is a deep commitment that goes along with this type of relating. It’s a commitment to truth, self awareness, vulnerability and presence.
Some of the possible uncomforable questions, beliefs and emotions that will be faced if you start exploring this conversation and lifestyle:
Shame-there is so much to say about this and it would take a lot of words to say it. Simply put ~ Shaming or shame is a condition of control (shaming and shame based experiences will control us into submission) which is ultimately placed on each of us and can take a lifetime to unravel and understand just how much shame each of us carries in our body.
Coercion - if you allow yourself to pressure yourself into experiencing your “thinking” as wrong or bad than you are positioned to be coerced into other peoples beliefs, religions, governments ideology and possibly not even know your own desires around sexuality, life choices and your body.
Adultery - a sin(in some religions) which can limit your own understanding of yourself. (An example of shame and guilt)
Cheating - guilt, a learned behavior, because guilt is not a feeling. Although it seems like a feeling but when you break it down and trace it back you will probably come to a realization that it is a thought about something that you were taught was wrong and not supposed to do or have been punished or shamed for.
Repression of sexual desires = equals heart attacks, anxiety, lack of sleep, unfulfilled life, tormented by your thoughts and so many other emotional pressures that go along with not speaking and living in one’s truth.
Wow! if you got this far in this post than I want to say THANK YOU for being curious enough about this to continue reading and exploring.
I am not suggesting that anyone act upon any of this. I am inviting you to think about what you feel reading this post. About these words and different points of view regarding life style choices. Will you even allow yourself to entertain these thoughts and then feel into what would happen if you dared indulge yourself in these possible deeper desires. Let yourself go and allow for the fantasy of these thoughts. That’s all this post is suggesting. Give yourself permission to be in your own thoughts and desires without the pressure of actually saying anything to anyone but yourself and see how and what you feel.
This is what I will always suggest to each of you. Drop down deeper into yourself and SEE what you feel. This is where you reside and it’s not in your head, it’s in your center, your heart. This is where your truth lives. If you cannot get real within yourself then how could you possibly think you could be in deep intimate connection with others?
I am asking you to question yourself? Question your beliefs, your biases, your judgements about yourself and others. This is the only way to find your truth around most things in your life. Otherwise, you are like a rudderless boat drifting with the current and have no means of finding your own way home!
