Be Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable

Be Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable

When I was little girl, my mother would teach us to confront our fears and walk with stride to meet them.

We had this long hallway where she would gather us and turn out the lights and we would all stand in the darkness at one end. She would then light a candle and hand it to me while explaining the rules.

“You will walk slowly to the end of the hallway and back without allowing the flame to blow out. If you become afraid focus on the light for comfort. You will be safe. If you allow your fear to take over, forcing you to run, the flame will blow out leaving you alone in the darkness with your fears”.

At 5 years old that hallway was as long as the Lincoln tunnel, I remember being so afraid and excited to make my mother proud, and I did.

It’s okay to be afraid, but don’t let it paralyze you. Focus on the light that is with you and allow that faith to carry you through the darkness.

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That story is the pearl of my experience. There are always lessons within lessons. How you decide to look at those experiences will determine how you see the world and how the world will reflect back at you. I’m not talking rose colored glasses here.

You’ll see.

Naomi and Wynonna Judd have been quoted as saying that their family put the 'fun' in dysfunction. Conversely, Ashley Judd writes in her book "My mother, while she was transforming herself into the country legend…, created an origin myth for the Judd’s that did not match my reality,"

Do you see it?

Now, I will share with you before the pearl was created. The version that is not put together so perfectly. It’s not sprinkled with the right words or lesson. Its darker and maybe even butt-ass crazy and mentally abusive.

When my mother would gather me and my siblings into the hallway it would usually be around her manic episodes. And she would hold the candle just under her chin to cast an ominous glare as she spoke. She painted the thoughts in our minds of the demons and cast aways that were so evil God himself had to fling them out of heaven. And here into our hallway they lie waiting for our walk in the Valley of the Shadow of Death.

She’d hand me the candle “Paola you walk slow, you run - the candle will go out and you will be alone in the darkness with the devil” she’d roll her tongue and let out a hiss just to give the word, devil, an even scarier presence.

I remember being so afraid and mad at my mother. But wanting her to love me and be proud of me. I would take that candle with tear-filled eyes and walk the green mile and on my return I would receive the love and acceptance I was so longing for.

You may ask, how do you go from one extreme to the other. True forgiveness is not done overnight, it’s a process.

I left home at 16 and along my journey, I gathered the tools that made me who I am today. In my trek, I learned what I didn’t want to be by the scenes of the environment around me. And created what I wanted to see.

 I learned my mother’s story and some of the family secrets. My father was an alcoholic and a womanizer who beat my mother repeatedly. We are a family of 5 that should have been 7 if not for the beatings.

We are only as sick as our secrets ~ Ashley Judd

My mother had lots of secrets. She was filled with pain and sadness, but she’d put on a smile and tell the world you may kill my body, but you will not have my soul. She was constantly at the doctors. Never feeling good, looking for that magic pill that would mask her symptoms that were created by the torment of her life.  We were never allowed to talk about any abuses to each other let alone the outside world. Again, I choose to be comfortable with being uncomfortable.

After learning about my mother’s upbringing, I realized she didn’t have the tools needed to create the scenario that I described in the first version of my story above. She loved us kids and was truly trying to prepare us for whatever life would throw at us. And I believe if she was given the proper tools growing up, she would have created a better story for me and my siblings. So, I choose to break the chains of the generational disfunction and add my pearl that comes from believing we are never alone in the darkness. God is always with us. We just have to choose to see him.